Have you ever encountered a time when you thought, “I don’t belong here”?

Something whispers in your ear, “I should just back up and quietly disappear” from a certain person, place or event. And…behind the whispered warning is a more strident self-indictment that you REALLY DON’T BELONG… that you SHOULD skedaddle/beat it.

But what if this encounter is one that could change your life?

Consider this: “’When people believe they "really don't belong somewhere,’ it's often described as a feeling of alienation or estrangement - a sense of disconnection and ‘otherness’ where they feel like they don't fit in with the people or environment around them, even if they are physically present; this can manifest as feeling like an outsider, not being understood, or having a persistent sense of not belonging anywhere,” Google’s AI instructs us. (Like a disembodied artificial intelligence entity should know… ha.) Well, AI just might have something here. Let’s press on and see…

In one case, someone (a real live person!) expressed it this way:

Many of us have experienced this “otherness” feeling.

Allow me to intersect three connections named “Chris” for how you might examine your own feeling of inadequacy or of a negative outlier when it hits you.

You can overcome that feeling of inadequacy if you grab hold of these three truths: (1) everyone remembers their losses before they ever think of their wins. (2) being famous doesn’t buy groceries and (3) people want to help you, if you’ll let them.

Because you DO belong.

Let me introduce Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, Chris York, and Chris Ferebee as three real life examples.

Losses over wins

Ruth Fertel wasn’t always a success. She learned from her losses. And she invited others to come enjoy her success, too.

Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse is a posh, upscale restaurant. Upon arrival, a Maître d greets and seats each party. They have an extensive wine cellar and their steaks are made to order. These practices are there to make patrons feel seen and special but for some, it can be intimidating. After all, their Tomahawk Ribeye Steak goes for $154 per plate and their Porterhouse rings up at $119 per person. Many other items are less, but the expensive ones can make a couple feel like they have to split a meal – which in some minds also says to that couple – “You don’t belong here.” Ruth’s story tells something completely different.

Consider this from the Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse website:

Also, this:

It was a near total loss.

She could have thought that she didn’t even belong in her own restaurant…but she had a more accurate picture of her losses and in time she invited many others to come dine again with her.

She had to figure it out. She persevered. Ruth invited, invented, cooked and cleaned. She never felt less or more than anyone who came to her lovely restaurant. She belonged and made others realize that they belonged, too.

Sure, the meals are expensive, but there are other options on the menu for couples to split, enjoy and appreciate. Many couples do that. Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse is a wonderful destination dining experience for everyone.

The website continues: “After selling to a private firm in 1999, Ruth could finally slow down and make time for herself.”

Embrace your losses, move forward toward your wins, as Ruth Fertel did.

Be like Ruth at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. You belong.

left: Susan and me at Ruth's Chris in Boise | right: Tanner and Leah, tremendous staff!

Fame doesn’t buy groceries.

Speaking of nice upscale restaurants, North Woods Inn of Covina, California is another example of upscale dining, yet with a fun collection of waiters and busmen whose senses of humor would round out a great meal. During my final two years of undergraduate studies, I was honored to be a waiter there. My busman and good friend, Chris, was a joy to work with. Just a couple years younger than I, we hit it off and got to know one another really well. Then, wham, one day he surprised me – we were talking about our fathers and he told me his dad was actor Dick York, who played (the first) Darrin Stephens on the hit TV show, Bewitched. For many years this highly successful television show charmed America, and Dick York was a star.

While a college student, Chris York lived with his father in Covina. Dick York had been a successful film actor in Inherit the Wind with Spencer Tracy. His success with Bewitched brought him an Emmy and sound financial footing – until he was injured on the set Actor Dick Sargent replaced him in the role.

Chris invited me to dinner at his home… but did I belong there with Chris and his father-actor, Dick York?

The three of us ended up having a wonderful evening of discussion, laughter and terrific stories about Dick York’s career. Even as I sat there in the front room, looking squarely into “Darrin Stephens” face, I could hardly believe that my friend, Chris, was his son. But he was. And I was staring at one of the most famous faces in the 1960’s TV world.

Somewhere in the evening, I simply began seeing Dick as a wonderful dad to Chris, a loving man who had had his success as an actor taken away because of an injury. At that time stardom was in his past.

I learned a lot that evening. Just because people are famous doesn’t mean they aren’t like you and me, trying to make meaning out of their own lives.

I belonged there with Chris and Dick York.

People want to help you, if you’ll let them.

My third “Chris” doesn’t have a famous name to ordinary people like you and me, but he is the literary agent to many prolific authors, Chris Ferebee.

Over a dozen years ago I was co-producing a video for author Margaret Feinberg. During the course of our time together she asked me about my life and found out that Susan and I had lost our oldest adult son, Nate Mansfield, to drugs. Margaret listened intently. She eventually said that I had a story to tell and recommended me to her literary agent, Chris.

Margaret wanted to help me, if I’d let her.

I was going to talk to an agent? Me? Nah… I paused and wondered what type of story I could ever even write – the story of failure as a Christian father who lost his adult son to drugs? Margaret said “Yes, that’s exactly the story that needs to be told. Your transparency will touch hearts.” She introduced me to Chris and he said he felt the story had “legs” and could do well.

Chris Ferebee wanted to help me, if I’d let him. I said “yes” to this opportunity.

So, Chris became my agent. And for my first published book, I was paid in advance to write a story that has since touched many people’s lives.

Chris wanted to help me. It was a rare moment for a first-time writer to be paid to write.

The book, Beautiful Nate, has touched many hearts over the years. Here’s a brief sample of my recorded audiobook version.

More books followed. I have now written, co-written and published more than 10 books and it was Chris who helped launch my career in published writing.

Because I initially let him do so.

Chris represented me as my agent for years in the world of non-fiction; he no longer represents me, as I am writing in a completely different genre – historical science fiction – here are the first two books of a spacetime trilogy. These are published and being enjoyed by many people. Here is an audio sample of the first book, To Trust in What We Cannot See.

So, there ya go.

When you look at your own life and wonder what’s to be made of your future, think of the three “Chris” examples… and know that your feelings of inadequacies don’t define your future. We are all imperfect people trying to figure out our best path and with a little help from our friends, the journey may just be more exciting and impactful than we could imagine. Go, impact the world!

A case in point today – I need your help to expand the grasp of my Newsletter.

Are you available – right now – forward this newsletter by email to 3 or 4 close friends and invite them to subscribe (send them this link) AND also place this edition of the newsletter on your social media sites; invite those following you to read it and subscribe.

I’d sure appreciate it.

How may I help you?

Let me know.

More later,
Den

Den's Latest & Greatest

• Visit Ruth’s Chris website for a lovely restaurant near you. Then, go enjoy a wonderful meal there. You belong!!
• Have you ever watched Dick York and Spencer Tracy in the classic film, Inherit the Wind (loosely based on the Scopes Monkey Trial) Here’s a link to it on YouTube.
• Also, (for a little bit of fun) here’s a brief video of the best 5 moments on Bewitched. Dick York, as Darrin, is in the first two segments