At first glance, my Newsletter today wouldn’t appear to be for everybody. It’s got fighting, and prayers to vanquish Hitler, it’s got tales of woe and a nod to folks who traffic in bodily “organ recitals”. In truth, it’s about men and women advancing in age, decade after decade, and embracing those advances with a smile and a twinkle in their eyes. So, since were all aging, maybe this newsletter just might be for you. Be the judge and let me know.
Knuckles, Mean Girls and WWII
Let’s first get the male fight-scene out of the way: Second Hand Lions – the bar scene. (Take a look at how the late-Robert Duval and the ageless-Michael Caine displace a handful of young teens who may never have received fatherly…um…direction in their past.)
The above scene grabs the interest of almost every man out there. Nobody wants to be in a fight and nobody (once in a fight) ever wants to lose it, regardless of age. I’ve been in fights as a kid, race riots as a teen and combat exercises as a West Point cadet in hand-to-hand fighting, boxing and bayonet training. Although the years have advanced, the experiences remain firm in my muscle memory and (I suppose) I remain convinced that I must STILL stand up when others are attacked, challenged or dishonored.
So, giving equal time, let’s look at the female high school fight scene and see if it causes you to reflect and respond – even just a little TINY bit – via a rather pivotal scene from Mean Girls:
The truth is we all carry experiences and events within us that continue to remind us that – THOUGH WE THINK WE ARE - we’re not quite as young or flexible, nor are we as mature and responsible, as we think we are. No matter the age: young adults, middle-aged people or even if you’re past AARP’s definition of a seasoned person’s age. We just don’t see ourselves as others see us.
And here’s the harder point: often times we don’t even notice the people NOT in our age group. They are invisible to us; we could care less about them. I’ll come back to that painful truth in a moment.
First, here’s the deal, let’s tackle these three questions:
1. Why don’t we see ourselves as we really are?
2. Why do we get caught in our own time zone bubble?
3. Why do we treat some people as though they’re invisible?
(You’re still reading, so I suppose the topic is still of interest to you. Let’s now delete the question marks and examine instead the principles behind those questions.)
Here we go:
1. Our failure to look in the mirror
One of the hardest things we can do is to “take a fierce inventory” of our lives. Alcoholics Anonymous uses that term when people addicted to substances finally decide that enough is enough and they wish to change – they make a true list of the people they’ve offended, the things they’ve stolen, things they’ve lied about and other “stuff” they’ve done – and then they go and ask forgiveness of the offended parties. Susan and I attended an AA Bible Study when we first accepted Christ as our Savior and man was it an eye-opener. The fellow-attendees at that weekly Friday night get-together were more transparent and real than almost anyone we’d ever met. We looked at ourselves in the “mirror” of their transparency and our lives changed. God’s hand of redemptive change indeed changed us. And we weren’t even addicts or drunks, though we were many other things that broke God’s heart. Want an example of God’s heart with Moses? Check out The Promised Land. It’s a heartfelt example of The Office meeting The Old Testament. – available via Angel. Studios.
2. Attempting to remain what we think as “relevant”, no matter our station in life
When I turned a certain age I stopped pushing against my age. What I mean by that is I decided to embrace the limitations created by the number of years I’ve had on this earth. I quit feeling like I had to know who the newest recording artists were and what they were producing, who was on the list of Academy Award nominees, who were the new comics on SNL, who the newest politicians or sports heroes were and so forth and so on. My attention turned away from “doing great things” and towards “doing small things greatly.” I ran for office twice because I had something to offer my town and area, not because it was a stepping stone to another higher office. And I was glad I ran, though in both cases the electorate chose another candidate. I didn’t have to be relevant, I just had to be me. And as the scene from Planes, Trains and Automobiles puts it: “I like who I am”. Just days after my final run for office, I was THEN approached to go to Poland and to Israel and consider becoming the Ministry Engagement State Coordinator in Idaho for a 20-year-old non-profit called Christians United For Israel (CUFI.com). I accepted their offer and now include them as a client in my coaching business. Take a listen to my Podcast of an earlier interview I recorded with Pastor Dave McGrarrah. When Dave retired this year, I took his place with CUFI.
3. Being rude to others who are younger OR older than us
Remember when I earlier wrote “we don’t even notice the people NOT in our age group. They are invisible to us; we could care less about them.” I’ve experienced this awkward truth. I’ve noticed that silver hair and wrinkles around our eyes have been signs for younger people to dismiss my bride, Susan, and me from acknowledgments and introductions – a form of cloaking that even Harry Potter’s world would understand. The difference is that the cloak is often thrown on older people to make them disappear.
And though this painful reality is there, the opposite is ALSO true: There are older people who dismiss youth as if it’s an irritant and an unnecessary part of people’s lives. Clint Eastwood’s performance in Gran Torino is a great example:
So, what do we do with all this?
The first two points are clear:
Take a look at yourself and determine what needs to change in your life – then do it. Make a concerted effort to size yourself up and then get rid of the stupid thangs that drive others (and yourself) crazy. Small things done well WILL change your life in magnificent ways.
Quit trying to be relevant. Just be you. I suggest with my business coaching clients that they “fire” people, places and things that get in their way of them being transparent and real. This means quit trying to be famous, fearless, and fetching to a world that couldn’t care less about you. It’s a consuming culture that wants to consume us, steal from us and destroy the wonderful things we have right here and right now. Enjoy the things that are small, shy away from the things that seem to be a big deal – they really aren’t. It’s all a scam, and you mustn’t let that type of thinking steal the best days of your life-today.
And Finally:
Quit dissing young people. They have something important to add to the conversation of life. Ask them about themselves. Learn, live and love. Encourage and coach! They need your help.
Quit walking past old people like they’re already dead. Be curious. Here’s an example: Orvil Stiles was old when I was young. He had been an Idaho pastor, a prison chaplain and the Warden at the Idaho Penitentiary. Prior to that, in WWII he was a one of 486 Chaplains in General George Patton’s 3rd Army. The rains and snow had so impacted the roads of Germany that the American tanks and vehicles could not move. Chaplain Stiles, (and the other chaplains), received this directive from General Patton to pray for the rain to stop:
This film clip from Francis Ford Coppola’s film Patton puts it in perspective as the Allies fought against Hitler:
U.S. Army Chaplain Orvil Stiles was in battle in 1944 and 1945. I took the time to find out about his life 50 years later in the 1990’s. He was effervescent in his embracing his old age while at the same time being his real, transparent self. I called him “Idaho’s Oldest Living Teenager” not because he TRIED to be relevant but because he was always curious about others and wanted to know more about people, than he revealed about himself.
I want to be his successor to that title.
In 1997, on my third trip to Israel we took Pastor Orvil Stiles to Jerusalem to celebrate his half-century of civilian ministry service. He lived into his mid-90’s and finished a life well lived – as an example to me and NOW to you.
Now, write me back and tell me if any of these points register with you. I want to hear.
And I want YOU to listen to others around you. They need to talk; you need to listen.
More later,
Den
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