Friendship happens in the context of doing something else. At least in reality, it does. Allow me to explain by presenting the opposite idea first – that being engaged as a friend and being entertained as a fan are two totally separate things.
You see, our culture tends to believe the lie that friendship is something manipulated or controlled, like an Uber Eats order: find an interesting person, order up a relationship and maybe you’ll like the ‘taste’, maybe you won’t. If not, make another call. Television and film tend to support this cavalier commodity fan-approach as an example of seeking and keeping supposed friends.
Exhibit one for this fan-approach is, well, a sitcom with a quite apt name: Friends.
A long time ago in an America far, far away…
The NBC pilot episode of the television show, “Friends” (“The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate”) was broadcast on September 22nd, 1994. Here’s the brief opening scene.
The pilot episode was sarcastically reviewed by the critics in a way that reflected the times: “Robert P. Laurence wrote in the San Diego Tribune that ‘A lot happens, but you'll still get the feeling you've seen Friends before’, calling it "Seinfeld Plus Two."
In reality, the critic’s comments meant very little because the show went on to become something of a cultural phenomenon. As entertainment goes, the series’ longevity of 10 years and the finale being viewed by 52.5 million fans placed it on a pantheon enjoyed by very view comedic television shows.
The irony of the title of this show is that all the people engaged in following it were fans…not friends. In reality, there never was a two-way relationship of friendship. There simply couldn’t be. For the lonely hearts who followed the show, wishing to have close relationships with others, the episodic television show came up empty.
So, what DOES it mean to be a friend to someone else? What does it mean to be befriended by someone?
Exhibit two provides some examples.
Marisa G. Franco, PhD, a noted relationship author puts it this way:
“You might think making friends is an inherent skill that doesn’t need to be taught. It’s not. We can all get better at connection if we try. People today struggle with fostering and maintaining positive, mutually-rewarding, genuine relationships. It’s a challenge that impacts all facets of life, including work, school, and mental and physical health. But it doesn’t have to be that way”.
Her presentations at TED Talks are quite encouraging.
Here's another example of a friend:
The words of friendship from Jesus put it this way:
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.“
- John 15: 12-15
Think of this Biblical concept for just a minute – God, the Son, tells us we are His friends. But, wait another minute, even in the Old Testament the scripture says in Genesis 5:24 that a man named Enoch “walked together with Father God as an intimate friend!” What a mind-blower to be called a friend of God!
Based on the great love & friendship that God showed mankind, an example of SIMILAR unexpectantly befriending people was presented in the film, Hacksaw Ridge, starring Andrew Garfield as the medic Desmond Doss who, as a conscientious objector in WWII, won the Medal of Honor for saving many lives in battle. The trailer says it all – you’ve GOT to watch this:
Many years ago, as an Air Force dependent, (moving around every three or four years), I asked my Mom how I could gain friends. Her answer was simple: “To have a friend you must first be a friend.” She was correct.
All these years later I ask you the following questions:
- How can you become a friend?
- How can you “die” to yourself to help others?
- And finally, how can you regain friendships that unintentionally slipped away?
Becoming a Friend
I remember a moment in high school, most likely the summer before junior year. Along with another classmate who I didn’t know - from my same high school - I was selected to attend Boys State, an annual VFW sponsored legislative event at a college near the state capitol. Arriving at the dinner hall for the first night’s meal, I stepped into the dinner line, grabbed a tray and selected my meal, one item at a time moving along the line, not really looking where I was going.
And I tripped. The dinner meal went everywhere on the floor, chased by the tray and a falling teenage version of me. I felt so humiliated.
Out of nowhere a teenage boy stepped up to help. It was my then-unknown high school classmate. He cleaned up my mess, got me on my feet and became my friend by having done all that. His first name was Raynor. He simply wanted to help me as a new friend. Sometimes, a spilled mess makes for a strong friendship. Raynor Kolarik became my friend.
Who in your life is on his knees, having been humiliated and in need of a friend? Keep an eye out for those folks. (And DECIDE to become a friend.) You won’t regret it.
“Die” to Yourself
My pastor, Mark Boer, put it this way the other day: “Friendship with others reveals a lot about the person. The high importance of high friendships influences us for the good.” We become like the people we hang out with. Pastor Mark’s belief is that “If you are friends with God, I want to be friends with you.”
I get that. Jesus said that to be born a second time, “death” must occur to the original version of ourselves. Baptism not only represents death-to-life, but IF the person is kept underwater long enough, death happens (!) – so the release and escape as a person comes out of the water ensures that life keeps on going!The example of the water could be ANYTHING that is overwhelming you right now.
Truly, though, when we each take a personal inventory of our distortions, lies and poor behavior we EACH realize that things have to change, for us to succeed. Leaving a wet and rotting “corpse” behind is not such a bad idea. Friends are drawn to such humility and transparency which are found in “new” life. Take an inventory and be honest.
It doesn’t matter how old you are. New friends are a treasure.
Reclaiming Friendships
Each of us has a story or two of lost friendships – maybe a better way to say it is this: friendships that have faded away. Who comes to mind in your life?
Think of a friendship that at one time was solid and even fun. Then, simple events took their toll and days became weeks as distance wedged itself quietly and lethally in between broken hearts.
Let me give you a personal story, a very recent and personal story.
One of the best administrative assistants I’ve ever had is my friend, Mr. Mark Halley. If I succeeded in the days Mark worked with me, it was because of Mark was incredible. I could see it; others could, too.
His father, Pastor Orv Halley, who was also a very good friend of mine, and who deeply loved his son allowed an undue distance because of work, to grow between himself and his son. It happens. I saw it later in their lives, but the roots were deep from Orv’s busy-ness. It was unintentional.
Orv and his wife, Roberta, built a non-profit called New Horizons, Inc. to help bring the good news of Jesus to the world – especially by helping missionaries. I was honored to see it all happen close up. Susan and I caught up with Orv and Roberta is Cairo, Egypt and saw the work of their hands. It was beautiful. And it helped so many people.
In time, Orv passed away and the mantel of NHI fell to Mark and his wife, Rhina. I stayed with the organization as a board member and remain so today.
Just recently, I was AGAIN able to see the greatness of Mark (and now his wife, Rhina) as they prepared for a missionary trip to El Salvador – and my bride and I chose to go with them! It was outstanding.
Our friendship is continuing to grow stronger and stronger – especially after spending such great time together helping build a house in the lowland river areas of Bajo Lempa, El Salvador and ministering to so many families. We joined with Dr. Kevin and Alison Hearon, and Kevin and Deb Jessee along with Sylvia Azmitia, as we spent 10 days helping those in need.
So, become a friend, die to yourself and go reclaim a friendship or two.
Your smile will be infectious. Friends will come your way. Oh, and remember how I started with the comparison of the fans to friends for the television show, Friends?
Well, guess what? The actors who were cast as “Friends” actually became friends. Let’s return to them and see how the stars of that television show actually became friends with one another – outside of the show and outside of their responsibilities of memorizing lines, hitting their marks and doing so day after day, year after year, by acting as if they were friends.
Check out this interview with Lisa Kudrow who played Phoebe on Friends. “We were more than just cast mates. We are a family."
Their friendships happened in the context of doing something else – even when it involved PRETENDING in character to be “friends”.
How about you, now?
More later from me,
Den
Den's Latest & Greatest
- Order a copy of Marisa G. Franco’s book here.
- Recently, my friend David Ripley, who is a fan of drums, invited my little drumming 5-year-old grandson and me to come to his house to practice on a REAL set of drums. What happened was magic! Friendship happens in the context of doing something else.
- Seek after the friendship of God. He’s only a prayer away. He’ll help you clean up any cafeteria messes that are currently in your life.